First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Let the clothes fall where they may.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
