Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
