I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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