Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
