I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
