the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
