My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
