Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
