May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
