we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
