I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
What a dumb baby whore.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
