I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
