she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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