She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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