If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
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