You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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