The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
