The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
