It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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