my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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