My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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