i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
