yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
