Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
