sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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