I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
