it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
