Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
