I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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