u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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