Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
