I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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