I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
