I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
