Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
