cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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