Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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