You just made me feel so damn special
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
