Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
