Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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