I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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