when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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