I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
