You just made me feel so damn special
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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