soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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