I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
