The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
