I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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