she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
