Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
