I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
