Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
